Letter Month 12

Dear Sena,
A year ago, at this time on March 23rd, I was bouncing on a ball in the living room, beginning to feel the pains of contractions. Grandma Sheree & Grandpa Thomas were here. Papa was wondering what to do. And, I was wondering—is this it? Is she on her way?

I can't believe a year has passed. Your birth still is a vivid memory. I can see papa's face as he watched me breathe through contractions. I can see Cash and Kona as they paced the house, wondering why I was up in the middle of the night—and moaning. I remember Carrie, the doula, arriving at 3 a.m. to your father doing laundry and your mother curled up on the bed. I remember when she said my contractions needed to be closer together, and thinking, "she's got to be kidding." I remember driving to the hospital and feeling pains, yet, feeling ecstatic that the next time I got in a car, I'd have you. I remember arriving at the hospital and being so pissed off that they wanted me to fill out paperwork, like I wasn't busy with something. I remember your papa being the strongest man in the world that day. He held my hand, breathed with me, got in the tub, rubbed my back, and never wavered from his encouragement. I remember feeling so very loved and supported. I also remember thinking that I might be in labor the rest of my life.

I remember the glazed look on your papa's eyes as he handed you to me, and feeling that my heart had stopped and started again, only stronger. I remember feeling overwhelmed and totally unprepared as we embarked on this new journey together. Everyone tells you that becoming a mother is the hardest, and most rewarding thing you'll ever do, but no matter how many people tell you, or who it is that tells you this, you don't understand it until you have your child in your arms. Totally vulnerable, totally dependent, and suddenly you get it. I'm mama. This is everything.

As many a mother knows, the days can be long, but the time still flies by. A year ago, you knew us because you knew our voices. Now, you know that we're here for you. You know to reach for us if you feel scared. You know to yell at us if you're mad. You know we'll try our best to fix things. You've brought so much joy to your papa and me. Joy replete with poopy diapers, late nights, bruises, and more. Joy filled with smiles, laughter, and firsts. I know the next year promises to be another year full of steps, words, and personality. I can't wait. Or, maybe I can. If the first year is any indication of how quickly time passes, I'm happy to stop the clock for awhile.

I love you,
love,
mama

A year ago..


And, a year later..